The twilight movie: Our way
by ILuvMikeNewton
Summary: This is the Twiligt movie, our way! as a before note, THIS IS A PARODY! its supposed to be funny. We hav rewritten the movie our way! Tell us what you think! Joint story
1. Prologue: Bambi

**The Twilight Movie: Our Way**

**Chapter 1**

**Prologue**

**(Hey!!!!! This is our version of the movie 'Twilight'. Its supposed to be funny, so yeah. Bear in mind, that the characters are supposed to be OOC. Woohooo!! Tell us what you think!!"**

**Chapter 1: Prologue:**

**POV of deer (aka: bambi's mother):**

"Run, Bambi, Run!!! Go into the forest!" I watched my beloved son prance off into the deep, safe forest. As he ran away from me, he would look over his shoulder and I would see the tears in his eyes.

With a heavy heart, I turned the other direction, and ran from my pursuer. My heart was beating madly as the hunter got closer.

Suddenly, I heard a woman's voice coming from some unseen location in the sky above me.

"I never really gave much thought about how I would kick the bucket, but kicking it in the place of someone I loved seemed like a good enough way to go." the heavenly voice called to me.

_She's right,_ I thought to myself. _I will sacrifice myself for my son, Bambi._ I turned to face my pursuer. 

The hunter standing before me was no ordinary hunter. He was tall, pale, and amazingly handsome, for a non-deer. His eyes were dark, glaring with what looked to be thirst. I turned and started to run from the direction of my son, leading the hunter away. He took off after me, faster than before. I knew I couldn't outrun him, but I kept running, getting him as far away from Bambi as I could. Once he was close enough, the hunter crouched down and leapt toward me. I turned my head to look at my son, the last thing I saw before the darkness took me, were my son's wide, frightened eyes, glistening with tears. Then everything went black.

**(Okay, before you go and flame us, keep in mind that this is supposed to be weird and funny, OOC and everything. Tell us what you think! We really don't care though, well keep writing whether or not you like it. LOL!)**

**A joint story by **_**hungrylikethewolf199**__**4**_** and **_**iluvmikenewton**_


	2. Arrival

**Twilight Movie: Our way**

**Chapter 2:**

**The arrival**

**(Hope you liked the first chapter!!! Here's the second! Review please! XOXO!!! If you have any ideas we'd love to hear them!)**

**Bella's Pov:**

"Bye Mom, I love you." I told my mother, tears starting to glisten in my eyes.

"God, you women take forever!" my new step dad Phil groaned from the car. I shot him a glare.

"I love you too, sweetie, call us right when you get there. Say hi to Charlie for me."

"I will mom." I said wrapping my arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

"Ow!" My mom squealed, jumping away from me, screaming as though she'd been bitten by a vampire. As if there were such thing. Ha!

I'd forgotten about the cactus that I had picked from the garden to remember my home here in Arizona. "Sorry, Mom. I forgot about Sir Prickly here."

My mother looked down at her shirt, little cactus needles sticking out everywhere. "Its fine." she said, wincing, as she pulled them from herself.

Phil honked the horn, "Let's go!" I watched my mother get into the car. I felt the tears coming back, I blinked them back, I would not let that hillbilly Phil see me cry. He doesn't like me very much, I will not give him anything to go on.

My mom called out to me from the window, "Don't run into any vampires sweetie!!"

"Okay, mom." I called, laughing a little. Typical mom, trying to make me laugh at the saddest moments of my life.

When my taxi finally came, I threw my little suitcase in the trunk, and hopped into the seat. I looked out the window, my last look at the place I knew as…. Mi casa.

The plane ride was short, only a couple of terrorists attacked the pilot, but my kickboxing skills rendered them useless. Other than that it was uneventful.

Charlie picked me up at Forks Airways, it was an awkward car ride to his house, the only conversation the occasional chit chat about the flight, and sometimes Robert Pattinson.

"Do you find that Robert Pattinson character attractive?" Charlie asked me about halfway through the ride.

"Um, well, I don't really find him that nice looking…" I said uncomfortably

"What are you talking about weirdo? Have you seen his soulful, gorgeous, sea blue, British eyes!? And that accent, Uh!" Charlie said , flinging his hands to his head.

"Dad! Wheel!" I called as we swerved and almost hit a Volvo C30.

"Dad I'm not going to lie to you, that's creepy. And, don't you think that the person driving the car we almost just hit should have been driving a different make?"

"Yes, Bella I think that the S60 would suit that driver much better, especially since that's the way Stephanie Meyer would put it. Besides, the C30 is a total mom car, its got folding seats. Really!!!"

"What? Who's Stephanie Meyer!? But I do agree with you on the car thing." I said.

"You don't know Stephanie Meyer!? Well, you better not speak to me again until we reach home. You are googling her the minute we get in the house!"

"Okay." I said slowly, not really understanding what was happening.

When we reached his house, nothing had changed, everything was the same as when I used to come here during the summer when I was little. It was almost eerie.

"Charlie," I said, "everything is the same, nothing had changed!" I looked up at him. There was a deep, crushing fear that I could feel in the pit of my stomach.

"Well, duh, Bella, why would I change anything?" he said through his creepy, stalker mustache. Completely breaking the scary movie mood of the scene.

I shrugged. "I dunno."

We proceeded towards the door. I slipped on the ice 3 times. Each time Charlie saying, "You haven't changed a bit Bells. You're the same klutz you've always been. When will you ever learn to walk?"

"Thanks, Dad" I said, looking up at him with loving eyes. The moment was very sentimental.

Charlie led me up the stairs to my childhood room. I tripped only twice this time on the stairs, this time Charlie adding, "Bells, most kids learned to walk when they were young." he said rolling his eyes. I hugged him around the waist, this time bringing both of us down the stairs. "Bella." he groaned getting up to walk up the stairs again. I followed him up.

He was waiting for me in my room, I tripped walking in over the door's threshold. This was going well, I hadn't tripped more than 10 times on the way up.

"I bought you a bedspread, its purple. I hope purple's okay." 

"I really actually hate the color purple, it reminds of the fact that you broke up with my mother and ruined my entire life, forcing her to marry that hillbilly Phil, then forcing her to move to Florida, thereby forcing me to move in here, thereby forcing me to live in this purple room that I hate because the color purple reminds of the fact that you guys broke up." I said breathlessly, "but I'll deal." I said.

Charlie was looking at me like I was a complete weirdo, "Your weird Bella. Now google Stephanie Meyer." he said, with a completely expressionless expression. Then left the room.

"I know Daddy! Thank you!!" I called down the stairs to him. He didn't answer. I took out Sir. Prickly, I had to beat down 3 airport security officers to get him in my carry-on. He is going to come everywhere with me. I pulled him out of my bag., sat on my awful purple bed, and cried myself to sleep.

I awoke the next morning, as people usually do. I still had 30 minutes until I had to get ready for school. I took that time to make Sir. Prickly a little more human. I hot glued two googley eyes to his face, getting my fingers stuck to the glue gun 4 times. Then I took sharpie and drew a mouth and nose. I then took out the collar I made him on the plane, a little tag, dangling off reading, Sir. Prickly.-beloved pet to Bella Swan.

I threw on some clothes and headed down the stairs to eat breakfast. I tripped halfway down and tumbled down the rest. I got up and headed to the kitchen. 

Charlie was waiting for me, "Do I need to send you to a class to learn to walk? Bella, that shirt looks stupid on you. your clothes are too revealing, I'm buying you hunting gear today, that should cover you up good enough." 

"Thanks Dad, you're the best!" I said.

"Yeah, well, there is one more thing." he said leading me towards the door. "Maybe I should carry you." he said picking me up and walking me over the threshold. 

"Dun, dun , dunun." A scary old man in a wheelchair with a cowboy hat on. Next to him, stood a tall, dark, fine hunk of man candy.

"Hi, I'm Jacob" said the sexy boy.

"Oh, hi Ja-"

"I'M NOT A WEREWOLF!" he cut me off.

"Okay." I said, giggling. There wasn't anything abnormal about his random outburst.

"Here you go, Bella." Charlie set me on the ground and I instantaneously fell flat on my back.

"She hasn't changed a bit has she Charlie?" Billy rolled over to where I lay on the ground.

"Nope, still my klutz of a daughter." Charlie said staring down at me.

"NOT A WEREWOLF!!!" Jacob called from the other side of the truck parked in our driveway.

"Okay, Jacob." Billy said. "So what do you think Bella?"

"About what?"

"The car, what do you think about the car." 

"Well, I don't know why does it matter?"

"You didn't tell her Charlie?" Billy asked glancing up at my dad.

"Well, I was getting to it…"

"NOT A WEREWOLF!!"

"This is your car now!" Billy called patting the side of the truck. "Hope you like red."

""I really actually hate the color red, it reminds of the fact that dad broke up with my mother and ruined my entire life, forcing her to marry that hillbilly Phil, then forcing her to move to Florida, thereby forcing me to move in here, thereby forcing me to live in that purple room that I hate because the color purple reminds of the fact that you guys broke up." I said breathlessly, "but I'll deal." I said.

"Have you like rehearsed that?!" Charlie said, looking at me with disbelief.

"If you want me too Daddykins." I said hugging him, then slipping.

I hopped into the drivers seat, Jacob ran around to the other side, hopping in the shotgun seat.

"This is so cool ,did you fix it up."

"Well, yeah, but…I'M NOT A WEREWOLF!"

"Never said you were." I said giggling.

"You better head off to school now Bells." Charlie said through the window.

"Okay Dad, I love you." I said reaching out the window to hug him. He pulled away, "No physical contact Bella, we don't know each other that way.."

Jacob hopped out of the car, and I started to back out of the driveway, meanwhile smashing into the mailbox.

"Oops!" I called out the window.

"I'm not going to have a house by the time she leaves." Charlie groaned, banging his head against the door.

**A joint story by **_**iluvmikenewton **_**and **_**hungrylikethewolf1994**_


	3. The Cullens

The Twilight Movie: Our way

Chapter 3: The Cullens

**(a/n: sorry its taken us so long to update!!! We've been really busy. But we hope you like this chapter!! Read and review!)**

"Nice ride, babe!" A group of jocks called to me as I pulled into Forks High School's parking lot, home of the fighting Spoons.

"Thanks! My daddy gave it to me!" I called back, I was already making friends.

I pulled into an empty space and shut off the engine. I hopped out of the front seat (literally). I bent down to tie my shoe. When I came back up, I was face to face, well, actually face to neck with a tall Asian boy.

"Hello Isabella Marie Swan! Age 17 as of September 13th! Daughter of police chief Charlie Swan! Its good to meet you! All 5 foot 4 and 110 pounds of you! I'm Eric. And I have taken the liberty of memorizing your entire file. I'm writing an article about your arrival for the front page of our school newspaper." He said, breathlessly.

"Um, that's nice. I'm flatter.. Okay no I'm not flattered, I'm really creeped out. Really creeped out." I said stepping back towards my truck. If need be I could hop in and run him over.

"Now pout!" he called, whipping out a camera and snapping a shot.

He took another step toward me, filling the space. "Sorry, I get that a lot." He said sheepishly.

"It's…fine. Ish" I said gathering my stuff and walking towards the school.

"What's your first class?" he asked.

"Well, my first class is supposed to be English, but I'm going to go to gym class even though that's supposed to be my last class, it says so on my schedule." I told him brightly.

"Great! My class is in the total opposite direction but I'll walk you." We started walking toward the school, I slipped and accidentally pushed Eric in front of a moving vehicle. The car had to have been going at least 20 miles an hour because he flew 50 feet in the air, he probably wouldn't have stopped, if it wasn't for that rather large oak tree. What a lucky guy!

"Eric are you okay?" I called to the tree.

"I'm fine! Go without me! You need to get to gym so you can meet Mike and Jessica and continue the plot!!" he called as he fell out of the tree. "Umph!"

Gym class wasn't my best subject. Since I constantly fall down walking, running isn't that much better.

We were doing volleyball. At least that didn't involve much running, but I'm not that good with balls either. Or any sports equipment for that matter. It wasn't that big of a surprise when I knocked a light to the floor, then falling on some guy, with my wild swing.

"Oh my god! Are you okay?" I ran over, tripping twice, to see if the light had killed him or not. It hadn't. That would not have been a good way to start school.

The boy pushed the light off of him and bounced up, brushing the shattered glass off himself.

"I'm okay, this happens a lot actually. I'm Mike," he said sticking out his hand, he looked up and gaped, his eyes becoming wide, "and your Isabella Marie Swan, 17 as of.."

"Why do you people know this!? What am I in a book or something?" I cut him off, getting kind of annoyed with these encyclopedia introductions, "Do you guys have a study group on me?"

He looked away nervously, "Um…no." he said with a shaky laugh,

Before I could ask anything else, a girl bounded over from the court I had just been playing on.

"OMG! Mike are you okay! My little Honey bun! What hurts!" she said running her hands over his bruises. Then she caught herself, realizing what she just said, "I mean, whoa, dude! What happened!? Not that I care. Psh!" she let out a nervous squeak.

"I'm fine Jess, oh! This is Isabella. Charlie's daughter." He said gesturing toward me.

"Oh, I know who she is." she said turning to me.

"Seems like everyone does." I mumbled to myself.

"No! I just meant that, well, there has been a lot of buzz going around about your arrival. In a small town everyone knows everything! Like, If there were vampires we would all know!" she giggled, staring at Mike, "Hi! I'm Jessica and I'm totally going to act like your friend to your face, but then talk about you behind your back!"

"I've always wanted one of those!" I chorused back, still a little creeped, but what can you do, I needed friends.

I sat with my new friends at lunch. The lunch period here was so much different than the one back in Arizona. Lunch back there was usually outside, I guess here you can't really do that, with the rain and all.

A bright light flashed into my eyes, I winced and glanced at who had taken the picture. It was another girl sitting across the table from me.

"Sorry." She said, "I need a photo for the cover." Putting her camera away. "I'm Angela by the way."

"Hi, I'm Bella."

"I know." she laughed.

"Of course." I grumbled.

"Do you mind if I take a couple more?" she asked holding up her camera.

"Of course!" I squealed, posing provocatively.

"Work it work it Bella! Come on, let me see those lippers pout. Yeah!" she shouted at me, snapping lots of shots. "Yep," she said, "Those will be great for the school paper."

I slipped back into my seat just as Mike and Eric walked into the lunchroom.

"Yo! It's my homie slice Bella!" Eric called to me.

"Oh, so now she's your home girl?" Mike asked accusively.

"No." Eric laughed.

"Good."

"She's my home slice."

"HUH!!" Mike gasped, "Your what?" he called out in rage. "She can't be your home slice, because she's my home girl!"

He swirled around to face me, "Bella, have you been home slicing behind my back!"

"Well, see I could accurately answer that question if I knew what that meant…" Mike's scream of rage cut off my sentence, I whipped my head up in time to see Mike fling himself at Eric, then both of them breaking out into a very dramatic fist fight.

"Ugh!" Angela groaned, " It's like back in kindergarten when we fought over the last piece of bacon, and your that piece of bacon." Angela said gesturing toward me.

Both me and Jessica gave her very puzzled looks, "What you guys didn't have that happen?" she asked.

Jessica turned to me, "Let me explain this better to you, it's like we are all trapped on a desert island, not having eaten for days, and suddenly a readily cooked chicken flies overhead. Bella, your that chicken." Jessica said.

"Oh, I get it." I told her. It all clicked for me when people explained it with poultry. Pork I don't get at all.

We heard an engine roar and whipped our heads around to see a silver Volvo fly into the east wall, hitting Eric in the process and flinging him up into the lights, which then made one of them fall on Mike.

"Does that happen often?" I asked, "because Eric has been hit by a car and Mike has had a light fall on him twice in one…" The sight before my eyes cut off my thoughts.

The most beautiful human I had ever seen had just walked out of the car, she had short black spiky hair, the guy who got out on her other side was just as gorgeous, so gorgeous it was hard to believe they were real. He walked over to her took her hand, and the two of them stepped over Mike and Eric lying on the ground groaning, and led her over to an empty table by the window.

"Who are they?" I wondered aloud.

"Them? That's the Cullen's. They're the adopted children of Dr. Cullen over at the hospital." Jessie said.

"I hear they are into like, interbreeding." Tyler piped in.

"What!? No, no no no ! They're adopted you doof!" She bopped him on the head. "They're not actually related." she told me.

"But it's still creepy. They're all like together. Like those two who just got out? The short little creepy one? That's Alice. And the one who always looks like he's constipated? That would be Jasper."

Just then a pretty blonde stepped out of the car. She looked like Legally Blonde gone Goth. The next one out of the car was a big, tall guy, But they were both still gorgeous, and elegant and graceful…

"GAH!!!" the tall one yelled as he banged is head against the top of the car door. The blonde whipped around and chuckled. The boy glared at her and ran to catch up.

"That was Emmett and Rosalie, they're graduating this year. They're together as well, in case you didn't realize."

"Oh! There's Edward. I was wondering where that hunk was!!" Mike called from underneath the light.

"That would be Edward, the best looking one out of all of them. But he's too good for any of us here. He's the only one that isn't dating his sister. Although him and Jasper have been getting pretty close…"

"Shut up! They are not related! There is nothing going on between them! Because he's totally going to love me sooner or later!" Jessica growled.

"She asked him out a couple months back. Didn't go too well… Her story is he tried to eat her. She had to go to therapy. She just couldn't take the rejection so she made up this story." Angela whispered.

"I don't know why you guys won't believe me! He did try to eat me!" she cried, sprinting out of the cafeteria.

I looked back over to where the Cullen kids had sat down. The Edward boy was staring at me, with the blackest eyes and the most luscious purple lips I have ever seen. I felt extremely close to him. I had to have him.

**(So!!!??? Wat do you think! You like? Review please and if you have any suggestions and ideas we would love to hear them! Joint story of **_**iluvmikenewton **_**and **_**hungrylikethewolf1994.**_** with slight help from **_**mikenewtonrox1994.**_**)**


	4. PP in the Bio lab!

**The Twilight Movie: Our way**

**Chapter 4: Product Placement/Biology**

**(Heyy all!! We totally appreciate all the input you've been sending us! Hope you like this chapter!!)**

_Bellas POV:_

After lunch it was time for biology. I was so excited because they finally got my schedule right, I _did_ have biology after lunch. I walked into the classroom, and luckily for me the only empty seat was next to that luscious, purple-lipped, Cullen boy.

Mike walked me into the classroom and introduced me to my new teacher. As I walked toward my new lab table, I stepped in front of a conveniently placed fan at the front of the room. The fan blew my hair towards the class and made me look like a true model. If I do say so myself I looked pretty fierce.

The Cullen boy took one look at me and swiftly threw his hand over his face, cutting off all airways, making him look like a giant, pale, purple-lipped blowfish. I looked at him seductively for several moments before taking my seat next to him. He had this pained look on his face, similar to his constipated blonde brother.

I took a sniff of my hair, making sure it wasn't that rancid. Nope, it just smelled like my _Sheer Brunette_ strawberry scented shampoo and conditioner that I used this morning. I continue to smell different areas on my body to ensure that I have B.O. Of course, I knew it wasn't me, because, after showering this morning, I had used my tropical punch scented deodorant.

I whipped around to face him, "What is your deal?" I said, totally valley girl that was my new image I was going for. You know, new school, new image. "I, like, totally, do not, like smell, like gag me with a spoon if you think I'm lying! Because I showered this morning, and then, like promptly used my new deodorant!"

I reached down into my bag and pulled out my sample of the new product and turned towards the camera that Mike had placed at my right just seconds before. "The boy in my biology class thinks I smell! What's your 'OMG!' moment? Tell us at .com. Remember, Degree know what makes you sweat." I smiled happily at the camera and winked a sassy wink.

The purple-lipped Cullen boy mumbled through his hand, "Did du dust ush prooduktersh placmensst in weal wife?"

"Like, what? Of course not silly, that's not normal, and I'm normal, and yet unique, just like everybody else." I turned toward the camera yet again, "So if you have self-esteem issues, don't be afraid, call us at 1-800-My-Life-Sux, or visit us at .com . So pick up the phone and call now, and remember, we're here for you." I turned back to the creepy, but totally yumolicious boy, who was surviving an awful long time without air intake.

He didn't say anything, but as class dragged on he eventually dragged his pale hand down from his face, leaving a permanent glare. It was hot. He refused to talk to me though, every time I turned to him to ask a question, my hair would fly out towards him, which normally would turn any other guy on, but his gorgeous black, mysterious, contact colored eyes would go wide and that pale hand would fly towards his face again. He didn't bring any input into our lab, just pushed over my supplies towards me and stayed out of it.

He suddenly jumped up and bolted out the door, a second later the bell rang.

'_Weird.'_ I thought, '_Maybe he's one of those people with the creepy clock thing inside them. Like I watched on Oprah last night!'_ That is soo cool! I'm totally going to tell my adoring, loving father about it. While we were watching it together (I had to force him to watch it because I wanted to have father, daughter bonding time. I love my daddy) all he would do was grumble about how stupid it was, but now I can tell him that those people are actually real! Yeah!! I rushed out of the classroom excited to tell him, and I tripped on one of the tables, knocking one of the desk lamps onto Mike as he was walking down the hallway. Oops!

**(So? Wat did you think? I don't think it was one of our best, but I think it's pretty funny, right? Anyone who has any ideas at all on wat should happen review or pm us!!**** Anyone who can tell what Edward was mumbling through his hand gets virtual cookies!****)**


	5. Spanish Fiesta

The Twilight Movie: Our Way

Chapter 5: Spanish Fiesta

(A/N: hey everyone!! Thanks for waiting so long!!! We've been trying to update as fast as we can!!!!)

_Bella's POV:_

I rushed down the hallway towards the office. I had to get there before 3:45 or else they wouldn't accept me into the Spanish Society Of Forks Troop:666, and then I wouldn't be able to partake in their Spanish fiesta on Friday! I shoved through a group of football players and tripped, then got up again and tripped, and this continued down the hallway until I reached the door of the office and saw the most beautiful creature in the world. It was that luscious purple lipped Cullen boy again, he was talking to the woman at the front desk, I leaned in to hear what they were saying and fell down, they didn't notice so I crawled my way towards the end of the desk and peeked over the edge at the lady, acting very creeperish. Edward didn't notice me kneeling there so I stayed.

"There has to be something else, potions, defense against the dark arts, transfiguration, study of mythical creatures, something, anything!" he was grumbling in a low sexy tone through those purple lips.

"Ummm…," the lady mumbled, "We… don't offer any of those courses here… but _I_ could teach them to you honey bunches of oats." she winked and touched his hand, trying to be motherly, I suppose.

"Um, no. Sorry wrong fandom!" he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Um, let's start this again, give me the line again." he waved his hand in her direction.

"Excuse me? Honey your gorgeous but your talking nonsense."

"Just give me the line!" he screamed, outraged. He huffed agrily "Okay, you know what? We'll just start from mine." He closed his eyes a breathed deeply. "I am Cedric Diggory... No! No… I'm not! I am Edward Cullen!"

He turned to Mrs. Cope, who was thouroughly puzzeled at this point, "Sorry, I just get my roles confused on occasion," he took another moment to breath deeply, before he contined slowly, "I am Edward Cullen. I am in Hufflepuff. I am entered in the Tri-Wizard competition. Wait, no!" he yelled at himself, "I live in Forks and I'm a vampire!" he pulled out a big stack of paper and scanned it quickly, "But it says here you all are not supposed to know that so just forget I said anything." he mumbled quickly.

"Okay new idea, let's just go off script. Role Playing, improvisation! You are the lady behind the desk and I am an angry vampire, but you don't know that so just go!" he looked at her expectantly.

Mrs. Cope was flustered. "Sweetie, I dont know if I understand what you're saying."

He growled, frusterated. "Okay, fine. I'll start." he jumped around a bit and shook his hands."Okay, ACTION!" he turned to face her again. "I NEED A NEW CLASS!" he growled snarling. "And you are going to give it to me or I will suck your blood and drag you back to my Dracula castle and feed you to my minions and…" suddenly a woman with ugly, unhealthy, fake-looking blond-ish hair, and a strange outfit on appeared in a cloud of smoke behind him.

"Rob, Rob, listen, you sexy vampire, you," she said in a nasally voice while chuckling. "I know you're using all of your super-awesome acting powers here, but this just isn't working, um, Stephanie specifically wrote this very non-stereotypical vampire. No castles, dragging off humans or any of that stuff. These vampires are powerful, and strong, amd sexy," she practically shouted at him, while doing large hand motions. "We need you to stay in character, baby. We need you here Rob, don't bail on us now."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, "No, yes, I know, Cathrine, I'm fine. I'm just having an off day. I'm sorry. I'm ready now."

The strange woman disappeared and a loud voice boomed, "ACTION!"

Edward turned back to Mrs. Cope. "I need to replace my Biology class with something else." he said in a soft but assertive voice.

"What the heck was that? Who was that strange woman and why was she calling you Rob? Is this supposed to be a joke?!", she said, just as confused as I was. I mean really, what was all that? Who is Rob? Maybe luscious purple lipped Cullen boy has an inner clock and another personality! I will have to find an Oprah show about this to watch with my daddy!. A sudden realization hit the woman, "Am I on camera right now? Oh! Where is that hunk Ashton Kutcher!" she was frantically looking around, I think she was looking for cameras or whoever this "Ashton" boy is.

As the she was looking around, Edward grumbled, "I guess I'll just have to endure it." He whipped around and stalked out of the office. The crazy blond lady appeared again, "Oh! That's a wrap! That was perfect Rob absolutely wonderful…" she trailed Edward out of the room.

Mrs. Cope noticed me on the floor and shook her head, " How bad could that boys science partner be? Ashton?! Ashton!?" as she continued her search I slowly got up.

I suddenly wasn't so excited for the Spanish fiesta on Friday. I turned around dramatically and shoved the door open, "Ooff!" I fell backwards. The door was heavier than it looked. I got up and shoved against it again, I pushed and I pushed until one of the office members came and easily pulled the door open for me. I stormed out dramatically.

**(A/N: yes, It has taken us a while. But we've been busy. Tell us what you think and any ideas would be wonderful!)**


	6. Butt Crack Santa

The Twilight Movie: Our way

Chapter 6: Butt Crack Santa

**(A/n: Be excited, and don't be offended by our crude humor, it's all in good fun =))**

_Bellas POV_

It was that night that I realized Daddy had no cooking abilities. In fact, he was so bad at it, that he had never cooked dinner for himself. All his life either his mother or my mother had made all his large meals and when both of them became absent from his life, he turned to Fork's only diner.

It was in this small restaurant that I was sitting that Friday night. Charlie was focusing intently on the ingredients of the steak sauce, and I was trying to avoid eye contact with the large deer head that was hanging above Daddy, when a lady wearing a green shirt and an apron approached us, carrying two plates of food.

"Aw, Bella, you've grown so tall," She said, smiling at me, "too bad you're also getting bigger in the middle. I took the liberty of changing your order to a salad. You'll thank me if you actually get a date to the prom."

I stared at the bowl of lettuce she had placed in front of me and frowned. "But, Daddy," I whined, "I wanted the dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets!"

"Bella," Charlie said through a mouthful of bacon, "Denise is completely right. You're getting fat, and it's embarrassing me. Now stop complaining and eat your stupid plants."

"Whatever you say, Daddykinz." I sighed.

Just then, a large, fat, sweaty, balding man came ambling up to our table and gave me a wide smile that made me cringe a little. "Hey, Bella. Remember me?"

I shook my head, puzzled.

He smirked. "Butt crack Santa? I used to give out those little bottles!"

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Waylon, you know you're supposed to stay a minimum of twenty feet away from any minor at all times. Really, you just got out of jail." He turned to me. "Bella, this is my good friend Waylon. He's the town sex offender, alcoholic, and all-purpose creeper."

The pedophile guy waved at me, while wiggling his eyebrows.

"He also used to play Santa during the holidays, but then there was an incident with a little boy."

Waylon grinned. "He's probably in your grade. I think his name was Mike Newton?" he chuckled a little, "If he hadn't screamed so much, I don't think your dad here would've found him so soon."

Suddenly a huge squad of S.W.A.T. team members burst through the door.

"Everybody get your hands up where we can see 'em!" the policeman yelled at the people eating. Waylon looked on in horror and tried to bolt for the back door. "There he is! Get him!" They all piled on him and tackled him to the ground, handcuffing him behind his back, "You're under arrest."

"Waylon! What have you gotten yourself into now!?" Charlie shouted through all the commotion.

"You are under arrest for sexual assault of a minor and excessive indecent exposure in public places."

"Oh, Jesus Waylon. You've really done it now." Charlie shook his head in shame as they dragged him out of the diner. "Bella, you give me much embarrassment, but not as much as Waylon has."

"Aw, thank you Daddykinz…" I began.

"But you are awfully close, so start acting normal and stop being fat." Charlie stormed out of the diner.

"Ok! We can discuss this over our Oprah Palooza this weekend! Don't forget Daddy Daughter bonding time!" I called after him.

That night before Daddy sent me to do my chores, I got a phone call from my mother.

"Hey, baby," she said. "Good news! Spring training's been going well, and if he does well, I think he's gonna let me sleep inside!"

I grinned. "That's so great, mom! I'm glad Phil's making you so happy!"

Suddenly, a heavenly voice came from the phone. "Please deposit a dollar and twenty-five cents for three extra minutes."

"Mom! I think I just heard God!"

Mom laughed a little. "No, Bella, that's just the pay phone. Phil got angry because I couldn't find my phone, so he ate my power chord. Eventually, I found my cell, but it was dead, and now I have no way to charge it."

"Mom, you really need to get your act together. Did Phil hit you with the two-by-four again?

"Yes," she replied.

"Well, good," I said. "That means you've learned your lesson."

"So, to get my mind of the pain, tell me how school's going!"

I smiled, "I made the front page of the newspaper!"

"That's wonderful, sweetie! Maybe one day you'll be famous enough to meet Robert Pattinson!"

I rolled my eyes. "He's not even _that _attractive, mom."

Suddenly, I heard Charlie screech from the kitchen, and the sound of him stomping angrily up the stairs.

"Blasphemy!" he shouted. "Have you seen his soulful, gorgeous, sea blue, British eyes!? And that accent, Uh!"

"I know!" my mother shouted from over the phone. "Not to mention his adorable butt!"

Charlie gave another high-pitched scream and grabbed the phone from me. He walked out of the room, giggling into my cell phone.

It was thirty minutes before Daddy returned, handing me my cell. "Phil caught Reneé talking about another man on the phone, so she had to go."

"Okay," I replied, shrugging. "Well, I guess I'll go to bed then. Good night Daddy!"

"Night, fatty."

**(A/N: we finally updated! Almost a year later! Be proud. If you don't like it, we don't care, it was your choice to click the link =))))))**


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